Reply: going along with sex with another man

Well  I know what you mean. I am
Married very straight acting to everyone that knows me. I am
In my 50’s and very masculine muscular build and I have a very private side that has been with me all my life. 
 It started back when I was a very young boy when my cousin and I decided to take off our clothes and play around with each other. Right away it felt good touching and rubbing our naked bodies together so we just kept going and we played with each others dick stroking and pulling on them rubbing our hands all over one another and my cousin kept playing with my ass and some how we wound up sucking on each other off and on for quite awhile and my cousin was on his knees sucking on my dick and touched a finger to
My asshole and when I didn’t stop him he just sucked harder and put his finger in my ass and after fingering my asshole a few minutes he stopped sucking me and stood up then told me he wanted to do something and had me turn around he pushed me down on my knees bent me over the end of the coffee table and then got behind me. 
 He started to rub his dick in my asshole and I asked him what he was doing he told me he wanted to try and put it in me. I didn’t say no so he kept working at it rubbing his dick in my home pushing and poking until
It finally went in my ass. Both of us started making weird noises and he pushed until all of his dick was up my ass and after it stopped stinging it felt good and he started to work it back and forth and that really felt good so we kept doing it until he came inside of me. 
 I asked him to keep going so he humped  on me until he got hard again and we went at it again. This time it lasted quite awhile and he came inside my ass again 
 We were 12 years old at the time and he and I had sex often for several
Years and he fucked me up the ass many times and it was me that was always asking him to fuck me. He and I sucked and swallowed each others cum many times and when we were 16 twice we had other boys join us on our campus along the creek. 
 One time it was my cousin and another boy. That happened three times then one time it was my cousin and I and two other boys and that happened quite a few times. In each of these incidents we all sucked dick and they all took turns fucking me and I liked it. Being naked with other boys seeing their hard dicks and having them all taking turns on my ass in front of the others excited me and I wanted it all the time. 
 Then one day my cousin decided we didn’t need to do that anymore and it was wrong for boys to have sex with other boys and it all ended. 
 After that it was years before it happened again but I had sex with a man in my hotel room and I let him fuck me three times that night. He was pretty well hung and he sucked me off and swallowed my cum then gave me the best rim job ever. Licking sucking and eating out my asdhole fingering me then he took me hard deep and fast and came on my ass twice before he was finished 
 I woke up twice that night face down legs spread and his long fat cock being shoved up my ass. Each time he fucked me really hard deep and fast and came in my ass every time. 
 That morning before he left we showered together and I just had to try and suck his dick and I went to my knees and took my time sucking and licking on his dick sucking on his nuts and then I decided I was going to suck him off and at least let him cum in my mouth. By the time he came I wanted it so bad I had part of his dick in my throat trying to take it all as his cum shot down my throat 
 We dried off and he was going to leave and I offered him a beer and after we drank it I asked if he would fuck me again before he left. I watched his dick get harder and harder then I stood up and bent over the table in the corner of my room and spread my legs then told him to come fuck me. 
 I was leaking his cum and his dick went right up my ass all the way and he started fucking me hard then he grabbed my arms crossed them behind my back and held my wrists together and fucked me hard talking dirty to me with my dick hanging down between my legs swinging back and forth as he pounded my hole I started to cum on a steady stream and almost passed out it felt so good then he rammed his big duck way up inside of me and shot another huge load derp in my ass 
 When his dick slipped out of my ass I felt his cum run out of my ass over my nuts and a little ran down my inner thighs after he left I stayed in my room all
Day naked drinking beer jacking if and dripping cum out of my ass for hours. 
 Several
Times that day I used the neck of my beer bottles on my ass I ate my cum several times watching porn and having sex with myself 
 Now ever since that day I don’t really go out looking for sex with men but if it happens I am always willing and very anxious to take some cock. I have had sex with over a dozen men over the years mostly white men a few Hispanic men and once a black
Man with a very large cock. It was quite an experience and his cock was by far the largest thing I had ever had up my ass. He stuck it in me three times fucking me hard and very deep. I have big hands and I couldn’t reach around his big black dick and it was almost a foot long. He fucked mention my back once with my legs over his shoulders and I watched as his long black cock disappear in my ass. Then he fucked me from behind in front of a mirror and I watched his big black dick fucking my white ass. Both times he pulled out and shot his cum all over my ass. The third time he had me face down on the bed on too if me pounding my ass hard getting really deep then he started to talk dirty to me and then he pushed his dick up my ass really hard and came in me. I felt his big dick pulse inside of me at least 8 or 9 times as his cum went in my ass. He stayed in til if me for a long time as his cock softened and began to slip out of my ass. Once it came out I could feel my asshole was wide open and a stream of cum was running out of me all over my nuts making a puddle on the bed. He took a shower dressed then left and I fell asleep naked face down with my ass dripping cum. I woke up feeling like my ass wound never be the same. I showered and my ass hurt for hours and I had stomach cramps all day still leaking cum out of my ass. That was my only black cock but I will never forget it. I am married and very happy but if I get the opportunity to take it up the ass I will. I like looking at other men’s cocks I like seeing naked men and it just feels so good to be penetrated by a big hard cock and getting fucked in the ass has always felt very good to me. At times I will fuck myself with most anything I can find. I enjoy it and it feels so damn good I always want it. 

I feel like I'm going to hell. I don't understand why I do what I do. I am not gay, not in that sense. I need sex with men. Since I don't know when, and whatever it is I always adopt the passive or bottom role. I don't go out searching for a man, it is spontaneous when it happens. But if it happens, I go along with it. A naked man, with an erection, who I know is going to fuck me. He owns me, I do what I need to do for him to fuck me. 

I don't think about it afterwards. I go on with my day, my job. Until the next time. When a man looks at me that way and I'm in the mood for a man. I make love to his dick, I obey, I get fucked. And then it is another day.